Monday, 26 May 2008

8 - News From The Martian Front

Fellow Terrans,

Wonderful News! Our Imperial Space Forces, guided by the God of Almighty Equations have bypassed the Martian Defences and re-established a beachhead on the Red Planet catching those weedy evil anal-probing cow-abducting Martian pests napping.

Read all about it here in this tamed down article:

By using a Northern Polar approach our forces only had to break through the fiery atmospheric shields bypassing the undetectable arrays of zyto-gosmic disruptors and batteries of zeltar-beams presumed to have been installed around Equatorial Mars in response to the successful attack made in 2004 by the Illustrious Rover Mission. These concealed destructive arrays are the only logical explanation for loss of the subsequent missions to Mars. After all how else would the Martians be shooting them down? And the fact that we can’t see them is surely a testament to the fact of the Martians cunning ability to hide themselves and their gold. Vis-a-vis we have yet to actually capture one on Earth – but we know they are here, we keep finding Martian rocks - see picture – and we know where they are – so if you’re a Martian reading this then turn yourself in and we promise no harm will come to you haha. Honest.

It was a million to one chance that they’d come to Earth yet still they came! I wonder what chance they gave us of coming to them! We showed them alright!

This victory heralds a turn in the tide of war against Mars. Since 1960 scores of assaults have been launched by a coalition of space cowboys. And Martians have been obliterating our brave forces since then, sometimes blowing rockets up as they are about to launch other times using mind control lasers to turn promising scientists into brainless muppets uploading software that redirect probes to target Earth instead. Lest we forget the fallen hero’s of Operation Marsnik, Sputnik, Zond, Mariner, Viking, Kosmos, Phobos, Observer, Nozomi and Beagle.

Since 1976 and the first penetration of their defenses with Viking 1 & 2 landing a small force on the surface it’s only been managed twice by Pathfinder/Sojurner (97) and Rover Spirit (04). These brave yet unsupported forces hold out as long as they can until the merciless and ignorant Martians batter them to bits. Well this mission is appropriately named Phoenix. As the Phoenix will only rise from the ashes (of Martian cities and culture).

In exchange the multitude of UFO sightings around Earth continue to add up as do the annoying reports the Martians broadcast through-out the solar system regarding their War on Terra. I can even make you all aware that Agent Pearl and I encountered several one evening in Uruguay. Some disguised as fireflies, others that resembled cars cresting a dusty horizon but al UFO’s to be sure. Why Uruguay you might ask? Well they have a lot of cows which UFO’s love. 2nd only to abducting humans they love dismembering cows (just ask Paul Marangos). And Uruguay really doesn’t have much of an air defense system so they can operate with pretty wild abandon here unlike over the USA and the former USSR. Now have you also noticed that common “U” in the country names and UFO? Well – you should equally be aware that there is no such thing as a coincidence... No wait – that’s rubbish – of course there are coincidences. Its just that they only get interesting around Class IV.

Since our heroic Terran forces have landed several propaganda images and films have been acquired and sent back to Earth for mineral and financial analysis with a view for what can be gained by conquering, colonising and bringing the Good Word to the microbes of carbon-based life oppressed by the Martians for all eternity. Don’t worry Microbes! Earth will save you!

Many groups here on Earth are opposed to this Terran hostility believing we should focus on Earth, finish the job here, strip-mine the other planets later and devote our resource to saving Tibet from chanting monks.

And NOW view what's really going on here

and added later... this


david said...

I want some of what you're on

Doctor Lobster said...

what you want some EARTH huh? - well you're just like all those other weird-ass alien planetary types after a section of prime temperate real estate.